PORTLAND, OR—In a move to increase attendance and allow everyone to participate in the beloved pastime of communal church vaping, Freewheel Community Church unveiled its new vape organ, a specially modified pipe organ that pumps out delicious vape flavors throughout the sanctuary.
“It was distracting during the service to have so many people pull out their vaping devices,” said Pastor Zed Herkumpflin. “Now, when our organist starts banging out classic hymns like ‘I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For’ or POD’s ‘Southtown,’ the room is instantly filled with the delicious smell of our church’s premium craft vapes.”
The organist, local musician Eddie “The Ved” Marleyson, pulls a special lever while playing songs to send the sweet vaping haze pumping throughout the sanctuary, creating “that Isaiah 6 throne room look” that churches spend millions of dollars trying to create. Marleyson can select from different flavors of vape cartridges that have been preloaded into the machine or create his own custom mix to match the tone, mood, and feel of the song he’s playing.
“I’m partial to Redemption Razzberry,” he said as he puffed his own personal vape in the green room. “Pump out some of that goodness while you’re playing something like ‘Man in the Mirror,’ and ain’t nobody not gonna get saved by the end of service, you know what I’m saying?”
“We also save money and energy from not having to run the fog machine,” Herkumpflin added. “We’re going green, which is the main goal of the church that Jesus called us to.”
The church is also considering a tobacco pipe organ.